you guys were way drunker than both of me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
