I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize