remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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