who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
