dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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