I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
