if i can run in heels then i can drive
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
