Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
