How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
