I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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