Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
