Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize