does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
