I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
