I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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