I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
