What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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