I am in a vortex of obligation.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
