Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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