the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
