How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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