I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
