All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
