why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Randomize
