i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
