Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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