we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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