Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
