He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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