theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
