I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize