I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
