Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
