we're blogging at a bar
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
