Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize