watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
