dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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