I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
