you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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