I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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