Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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