I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
