How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
