Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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