My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
