a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
