you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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