So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
