batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
