My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
