I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
