Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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