i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
