After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
