i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
