I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
