Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
