So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
